The Gifts of Imperfection: Introduction And My Intention

Yikes, I am on week 2 of the course, and here I am blogging on the Introduction... the ideas and writings are coming so fast....I am struggling to get an order .....overdoing by having to take pictures.....

 Mess and chaos....

Notes and papers all over

So I am having to trust myself that what I have to write here is important and most of all accept it does not have to be perfect.

I will confess on this writing I am pushing into my uncomfortable zone.  I am much more comfortable in the light hearted humor vein.

So here goes.....

 

 

Brené Brown after much research on shame came up with a list of the Do’s and Don’ts for people that seem to be living “Wholeheartedly”.  Living Wholeheartedly has benefits....a greater sense of contentment and happiness.

Am I for that.....Hell Yes!!!

I have taken a little artistic licence with the Do's and Don'ts.

Would seem simple at first glance, doesn't it.

 

 

So going back to my original confession on my blog titled “How It Began” I gave brief reference to my discomfort at reading the book. 

The book the “Gifts of Imperfection” is published by Hazelden. Hazelden Publishers puts out the literature for 12 step programs.

I entered the Alanon 12 step program in 2003.  I have 3 ring notebook journals

 

3 ring binder journals

 

and 12 step work stuffed in book cases

And desks

All over my home

I have facilitated entire step programs, been a support person to many, and successfully helped others through some dark drowning times.  

Some years back when  the book “The Gifts of Imperfection”  came up.....I  was dog paddling in some pretty turbulent waters, I had no sponsor, and  I didn’t think I needed one.

I have been drawn back to my 2008 journal over and over....since starting this blog.  I have wrestled with whether I should put in its contents....I keep putting it aside....but it keeps calling me back...so  I  have included it.

Within its covers are very personal thoughts revealing some of  my shortcomings.  If I was helping someone struggling I wouldn't have a problem sharing.  I feel a little more vulnerable sharing with some that may not be able to identify with my struggle.

This journal I keep  bookmarked at a my personal inventory I took back in 2008.  It reads as follows....

I spent years working to rid myself of this bad inventory and made little headway.  I had been willing and ready, very clear I did not want the suffering they entailed, written pages upon pages of asking God to remove these painful emotions, I wrote and affirmed pages and pages of  I am free of.......daily set intentions each morning......and shared...God knows I have deafened ears talking about my feelings.

I felt a failure yet for some reason I struggled on.  

 A few things since that time have created a shift in me, it happened well before I started this book....some amazing things are happening since I started this blog and book....daring to be vulnerable is one...it summons all my courage to write and publicly publish my inner most shortcomings.

One difference that seems to have helped me was naming my saboteurs. (see "How It Began)  Somehow instead of me owning it, being it and justifying feeling that way.....I see it as outside energy bodies with personalities trying to get at me.   Thus far I am pretty good at being vigilant at holding them at bay by observing my discomfort first and then asking who is at play.  If the time is not appropriate to go into deep thought I tuck it aside and deal with it later.   
This seems to work  best when I am in the "Do's side and observing .  Falling into the Don't side happens when I am not looking.

So I have shared a part of what works for me to date.   

My Plan

To work within the framework Oprah and Brené are providing.

To personalize and make it mine

To include personal stories that relate

To utilize tools I know work

To share my story complete with my vulnerabilities

Have fun

Intention

This is the proposed Course Intention.

 

 

For myself,  I changed it to something I can relate more to. I may it change back later to the proposed one but for now I understand my intention.  

 

To finish off I'd like to share a few ideas and tips I have received in responses

- one can go to the Michael's website or download the App and they often have a 40%  off coupon

- Opus has a fabulous selection of art supplies

-now I really like this one....watching Ted talks as a family

- and a great best friend statement  "Oh Well!"

  

If you are still with me.....thanks my perfectly imperfect friends.

 

The Gifts of Imperfection – Preparation

As well as the book, the course calls for water colour paints, journal that has appropriate pages to do water colour paintings on and markers.  I later discover if you are a “scrap booker” and/or “stamper” you will be more in line for the art projects.  Oh....and they called for double sided tape. 

 I fold single sided over...I don’t seem to have a problem. 

Decide I am staying with my binder journal that I start each year at a retreat in September.

 

There is a pattern emerging here as I type this.  Seems I am a “Make Doer”.  Another "make doer" decision- my paper for painting will be the same as I use to make my ‘vision pages” ....think downsized version of vision board.

My sister warned me....it won’t work....it will go wavy.  She was correct.  It doesn’t matter. Ahhhh...how freeing is that statement.

Buying water colours......actually USING water colours....oh boy.  I cannot paint.....well I can, but it looks like kindergarten level.  (losing a bit of ground here)

Now if one is going to spend the time creating ....doesn’t it make sense to end up with a project you like?

Nevertheless....(practicing open mindedness and I am sticking with this definition)  off I go to purchase water colours....I am thinking dollar store....somehow I end up a Michael’s and there the dilemma begins. 

I just walk through the doors and the smells....... enticing butterfly and glitter papers....walls of jewels and beads.......clever artistic stickers....... such potential.......I FEEL EMPOWERED.

I have to search long and hard for the water colour paint boxes.  Alas they are on the bottom self -barely noticeable. 

I spot the $7.00 paint box....then right beside it.....the $47.00 paint box.  Not much selection.

Now I kid you not....I spent 10 minutes crouched down contemplating which one to buy!!!!!!    

You know where I got hung up?  Not the fact that it included 14 different size brushes......the colours were so much richer and vibrant. The yellow looked so pale in the $7.00 paint box.

So finally I have a conversation with myself.....Shirley....for God’s sake..... what are your painting abilities?

Okay I tell myself........but if I show any promise....I am coming back to buy the better set.

 

FOOTNOTE:

Listening To Oprah

Oprah shared an embarrassing moment when she first started her career.  It came about in part because she was trying to be Barbara Walters. 

What stuck for me was her realization –

“I can be a better me than anyone else”.

Yeah......I like that.  Feels good.

How It Began

My journey began by noticing an advertisement for Super Soul Sunday. 

 

 

The seed was planted.; rather than watching another reality show I made a decision to record Oprah’s Life Class on Sunday.  Now interestingly only one session has recorded......I watched it. 

Brené Brown was the guest speaker and I loved what she had to say. 

Now I have read her book, “The Gifts Of Imperfection” before. 

 

 

Some will smile here because it was a book that came up in a book club for me and I had a resistance to reading it.  I can try and psychoanalyze the reason....I will simply say.....at that point in my life I had read and owned volumes of self help books...... all excellent.

Reading about my character defects or those tormenting saboteurs of joy that rule in my psyche at times makes me feel even more unsuccessful....especially when you already know.

So I start by asking myself a question.....what made me take this e-course and why now?  Two things actually.... I became aware of how much of a foothold certain “gremlins” Brené’s word.....Saboteurs (my words) had in my life and secondly I was curious about using art to overcome them.

(credit oneguyrambling.com)

Allow me to introduce to you some of my Saboteurs and give a brief example of how they operate within me.  Perhaps you may identify. 

The Crappy Comparer....shits on me – I must value and acknowledge my own specialness

 

I’m watching the Ricky Lake show on how to shop for a proper bra.  It is dealing with large busted womens’ problems.  The comparer is stealthy and silent.....I actually do not realize for a very long time I feel less than till the voice comes and says “if only you had”

The Snatching Thief Called Worry.....steals my joy....I must guard my joy

(credit pacsafe.com)

Worry.  Now I come from the very best.....my Mother.  When I used to visit her, she would worry the whole time about when we were leaving.

Evident to the outsider but not to the actual person this saboteur is very sneaky - like picking your pocket.  You do not even notice your enjoyment is missing. 

The Worry Wrecker .......contributes to wreckage....I must be a Prayer Warrior and envision success

(credit fskitchen.blogspot.com)

 

Well versed in spiritual laws I know my thoughts contribute to creation so when I do catch myself worried, I hold myself accountable and change my thoughts.  To quote Noelle Oxenhandler in her book the Wishing Year, “The best worriers make the best wishers”.  This I hope to live up to......far from perfect yet.....a work in progress.

The Carcass Dumper.....creates a blockage by dumping the past into the future....I must envision only success

 

A councillor in my past would say, "Shirley you are dragging a dead horse" whenever I brought up someone’s past behaviour as an argument.  I wholeheartedly agree I do this....actually I do even better than that sometimes.  I take that dead horse and heave it right out in front of me.  It stops me in my tracks as I don’t want a hurtful repeat of a past behaviour.  This is actually a protective devise for me.  Sometimes I have figured out a way to jump over the carcass....calculated manipulation but I never feel good about the gains.  Envisioning loving heart felt behaviour now seems to be working and definitely is for the greater good.  Thank you councillor. 

The Suspicious Shroud....darkens reality......I must shrug it off.....  quit questioning....who cares.....accept and enjoy the gift.

 

Oh! I am so good at this.  I wonder if when someone is doing something nice it is because they are feeling guilty about something and not because they genuinely want to please.   A protective cover I have hung onto due to past conditioning. What it protected me from I am not exactly sure, I wonder if this is an off shoot that comes from a childhood teaching of not accepting something because then you will owe them.  Or perhaps at times it was a guilt gift... who cares???   .blow off the bad energy of guilt and or suspicion...refuse to take it on....give it as compost to Mother Earth.....delight in the gift.

The Assumer.....makes an ass out of me.....I must get off my dumb ass...and get grounded in the moment and fact.

I still struggle with this one.  Partly because I am never clear whether someone’s past behaviour creates the assumption or is it intuition or is it just plain fear. 

 

 

Anyway I look at it .......my thoughts may be inappropriate

 

 

 

The Judge/ Executioner....death to joy and love.....I must give birth to love and live

Well years have tempered my black and white nature and I believe I reside more in the open mindedness of shades of grey.....(interesting how a book can actually influence the interpretation of language). My personal journey is to avoid and break all bondages of suffering and pain.  Sentencing imprisons me. 

 

S(mother)......inhibits the spark of growth.......

Yup,  I quite often do not even realize I do this.  I care take.  It feels like love. I must take care.

(okay....in my dreams....embellishment is allowed)

Pulverizing Perfectionist....destroys my accomplishments by hammering on the slight imperfection....I must focus on what was right.

(credit batgirl.com)

I have had many glorious accomplishments but somehow I can only focus on the little mistakes.  The voice that says “I wish I had a” “If only I hadn’t”........my motto has been “ Being second means you are the first loser”.  It is a pretty big wielding hammer.

So there it would be.....an obvious reason to delve into the wondrous joyful freeing gifts imperfection can offer me.

Leaving the throng of self defeating unhappy perfectionists...is not easy.  Vigilance is necessary.  

(credit www.smscs.com)

I am ready to focus and enjoy those parts of me that are outstanding...... as well I am so ready to love and light up those parts of me that I am uncomfortable with. 

Dare to be vulnerable...Brené declares.

Have I gone too far with this blog?   Oh well......or better yet....Brené suggests "Oh! Hell Yes!"

I am having fun being imperfect.

I am always a Work In Progress

OH! HELL YES!! 

 

Information on Brené Brown's  e-course is on the Oprah site.

Brené Brown’s Ted talk is well worth listening to.  Google Brené Brown Ted talk.