Yikes, I am off track with the course ...but a situation has
come up...and when I went to go to my next assignment, I found some notes I had
taken at one of Brene’s Question and Answer sessions....these I feel need to be
brought to light now.
It is a perfect extension of my earlier post, Owning Our Part.
So I am starting by googling the definition of shame.
Shame
1. a painful feeling
of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish
behavior.
I really
want to change the word, “consciousness” to ‘perception”.
The notes I had made were from one of Brene’s Question and
Answer sessions. I have simplified it into two statements.
“Shame has to
make sure we are alone”.
Image credit:www.wattpad.com
Image credit:www.wattpad.com
“Talking about it dissolves it.”
Quoting from the book, The Gifts of Imperfection.....
“Shame hates it when
we reach out and tell our story. It
hates having words wrapped around it-it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a
shaming experience is hide or bury our story.
When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.”
So I guess by now we know what we have to do to overcome
shame.
To drive home further the seriousness of shame -I am going
to insert part of my notes I wrote to share at a book club meeting. The book was “Women Who Run With Wolves” and
the author was Clarissa Pinkola Estes a post trauma specialist and Jungian psychoanalyst.
My notes are as follows.....
The 12 step program is a marriage
of the Lord’s Prayer and Carl Jung’s therapy.
As Clarissa states she is a Jungian therapist. Chapter 13 closely resembles part of Step
Four of the 12 step program, which is taking moral inventory, but mainly step five.....
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another
human
being the exact nature of our
Wrongs
Addressing shame is part of
taking inventory. Admitting it to
another person is the next of 5 more steps to complete the process.
Why do we want to take inventory???? well sometimes there are some rotten aspects that are contaminating the well being of the whole.
Why do we want to take inventory???? well sometimes there are some rotten aspects that are contaminating the well being of the whole.
I want to state emphatically this
works and has had a healing effect on millions.
I am mentioning both the 12 step program and what Clarissa Pinkola Estes has to say to reinforce what Brene Brown is stating with regards to the destructiveness of shame.
Clarrisa opens her chapter
with the subtitle “Secrets as Slayers”
Other quotes that come to mind
immediately for me are:
“We are only as sick as our
secrets”
“The truth shall set you free”
As the author notes it is not all
secrets she is talking about, she is specifying the secrets of shame.
As some of you or probably all of
you know shame is the lowest vibration of energy we experience.
So when the author states it
creates a dead zone...that should not be surprising.
So why in the world do we allow
shame – because we are afraid.
The author breaks it down.
“Whether she (woman)
-
has been threatened by someone more powerful
than she,
-
she fears disenfranchisement, being considered
an undesirable person,
-
disruption of relationships that are important
to her, and
-
sometimes even physical harm if she reveals her
secret.”
Clarissa refers to the secrets of
shame as likened to a bloody knife.
Clarissa speaks to the peril of leaving the bloody knife buried inside us.
(this photo reminds me of how easily and deceptively we swallow our shame thinking that is the most pleasurable way)Clarissa speaks to the peril of leaving the bloody knife buried inside us.
“Where there is a shaming secret, there is always a dead zone in the
woman’s psyche, a place that does not feel or respond properly to her own
continuing emotional life events or the emotional life events of others.”
To put some meat on these bones
of these last two quotes.......one could imagine the disconnect and angst a
woman who is a closet lesbian would be experiencing daily in her life. There would be a destructive battle going on
inside by feeling and being one way and having to act another. This is just one example of endless secrets
of shame women suffer from.
There are others more common.......shame of not having a perfect body, shame of our past, shame of failures, shame of our children, shame of our mistakes, shame of our status, shame of being made fun of or rejected.
There are others more common.......shame of not having a perfect body, shame of our past, shame of failures, shame of our children, shame of our mistakes, shame of our status, shame of being made fun of or rejected.
If I might add something here of
my own personal understanding.....shame comes in and takes residence, and it is
not until we take our inventory and identify it and understand its destructive
force that we would choose to toss it out.
I certainly had no idea till I had to put pen to paper and wrote it out.
The unfortunate part is most people like myself only go to this trouble when they are in enough pain and good fortune has brought them to a place where this is dealt with.
I certainly had no idea till I had to put pen to paper and wrote it out.
Shame is silent and undetectable
until our attention is brought to it. It usually runs at a low grade not fulfilled feeling.
It takes much courage to address
it
So what to do after you have identified it?
Well this is definitely not one
the most popular activities....on the fun meter it rates right up there with
going to the dentist and having a tooth pulled.
So what does the shame bearer
have to do to rid herself of shame. She has to tell someone.
There’s more!
She has to.
“not depreciate the matter”
“tell it so others are moved by
it”
In other words express the full
emotion of her shame.
Not for the faint of heart as one
is opening up standing naked and vulnerable.
What did expressing my shames to someone do for me...
I felt empowered....I had turned around and grabbed shame by the throat and flung it right out on the table for all to see.
Was I nervous....yes.....but riding right in front of that and directing the way was determination....
How did it feel afterwards?
I have never walked on hot coals but I would suspect it feels similar....one has successfully conquered and accomplished.
Secondly and most importantly ....the shame shriveled....I felt normal.......yes I had made mistakes, yes I had acted against my values......
The world didn't stop or change with my revelations.....
I had vomited out those knives and true healing began.
If you read my post ....Owning Our Part
What did expressing my shames to someone do for me...
I felt empowered....I had turned around and grabbed shame by the throat and flung it right out on the table for all to see.
Was I nervous....yes.....but riding right in front of that and directing the way was determination....
How did it feel afterwards?
I have never walked on hot coals but I would suspect it feels similar....one has successfully conquered and accomplished.
Secondly and most importantly ....the shame shriveled....I felt normal.......yes I had made mistakes, yes I had acted against my values......
The world didn't stop or change with my revelations.....
I had vomited out those knives and true healing began.
If you read my post ....Owning Our Part
Equally important in this release is the
listener.
In my next post....I will be elaborating on this.
For now sending out wishes for well-being in the remembrance that we are all gloriously imperfect or wonderfully human.
For now sending out wishes for well-being in the remembrance that we are all gloriously imperfect or wonderfully human.
