The Gifts of Imperfection: Defining Who I Am

Authenticity: Letting Go Of What Others Think

Art Project:  find a picture of myself that defines who I am....before I learned to please, perfect & perform. 

A part of me that I love that evokes feelings I may have forgotten. 

I knew immediately I was looking for a picture of my Stick Horse. As with most families there are lots of pictures with our best bib and tucker on.

I finally I found this small grainy black and white Kodak picture....

 

 

OBLIVION
(Fond Memories)

Age Six

I loved my Stick Horse

I couldn’t wait to get outside

To gallop around

Hair flying

Over pastures

Down long lanes

Through wooded trails

On my Stick Horse

 

I could run amazing distances

Just by encouraging it

“Come On You Can Do It”

And my heart would open

I Could

I Did

 

I smile as I remember

Patrolling the boundary of our yard

Trotting very importantly 

Okay, bossily asserting ownership

And rules

 

When it was time to come in

I tied my Stick Horse to the back porch rail

Where it awaited our next

Adventure together

 

My friend who is doing this art journey with me noted, “ Your horse has no head”.

I reply....”Of course it doesn’t!”  “This is one of Mr. Dodson’s coveted bean poles!”

My friend...”Is that the mane hanging down?”

Sigh (are you kidding?)...”No, that’s the reins”

____________________________________________________________

 

This is the caption my mother had beside the picture

 

 

Pirate?????.....Hobo!!!!!!seems I come by my Oblivion honestly.

It has been well over half a century now since that photo was taken.....I am a mature grandma now; I no longer gallop or canter down trails....

 

Okay... I will confess my slow easy jog from one tree to another (my way of tricking myself by telling myself I only have to go that far) I sometimes feel myself in a keyed down trot.  Hey! definitely beats thinking  slog.

 

 

I was so right.....this joyous freedom defines the authentic me.

Grandma prancing down the trail.....Oh! Hell Yes!!!     

 

 

The Gifts of Imperfection: Cultivating Authenticity – Letting Go Of What People Think

 

So starting with Authenticity-

 

Well at my ripe age, it seems “who I am” has been refined, redefined, or the popular terms these days transformed or transmuted. 

I have come down to - "I Am Energy."   I am not trying to be a know it all......or go scientific here....I have mentioned it because connecting  Energy to Authenticity...leaves me where?

I am getting too philosophical.....code word for mixed up. 

Keeping it simple now......I am going to let go of who I think I am supposed to be.

So I am to set my weekly intention for cultivating authenticity.

A phrase keeps popping into my head....so I guess I will go with it.

It is from Elizbeth Lesser’s book, “Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We're all bozos on the bus,
so we might as well sit back
and enjoy the ride.
-Wavy Gravy

You have to admit it does give a comfortable old shoe feel and it fits where I am at.

 

Letting go of what people think –

 the first thing that came to mind was never mind what others think,

I need to get a hold of what I think! 

For example

For another post I was looking for a picture so I googled, “Goddess of Light” (Bozos are my reality check)

Well what came up was not fairy godmother images, instead the images displayed were scantily clad, to die for proportioned women in their sexual prime.

 

This was a tame one.

 

Now that same morning I noticed in the mirror the sags and cellulite had just reached my knees.

 

After seeing the Goddess picture somehow aging with graciousness and class suddenly fell to 

 

 

Ridiculous I know, but I am human, I am not totally immune to the barrage from the media of the exaggerated importance of sexual image ......oh! wait a minute.....that's a blame statement.

 

(This is leading away from where I planned to go but I have decided to go with it)

 

 

Uggg......okay...I am victimizing myself.  Berating myself.

 

 

You're not good enough, Shirley

 

Wow....as I write this there was quite a revelation. 

 

Notice how my excuse made light, it would have covered up the severity of the actual abusive shame statement to myself.

 

So I need a name here.

 

Berating Bully ....abusively berates me - I must give back Berating Bully exactly the abuse he is trying yell at me. .....hmmmmm

 

This is where that "Goddess of Light"  may come in....what would she say?

 

Is it X rated and start with an "F"?

 

So wiping my hands off now ......and....

 

getting back to my original train of thought.....

 

I think some attention to our appearance is healthy but dependence or even striving for the ultimate is not only unhealthy but abusive as I just discovered.  It is also self defeating as I already am on slippery slope being in my 60’s; so extra vigilance is required to keep  Crappy Comparer and Berating Bully out of my territory.  

Lest I start becoming a fanatic or is that more of a fanatic?   "Oh! Who Cares?"

 

Examining this a little closer...brings up the question.

 

What was the reason the Goddess image triggered my Berating Bully?

....partly I was afraid of what people would think.

....partly because I still require gentle acceptance and approval of myself.  

 

.... most important there is an active default program of "Berating Bully" running inside me that needs to be dealt with

 In moving forward....

I had forgotten about the endearing qualities that come with comfortableness and imperfections. The appreciation of who I truly am.

 

An Imperfect Goddess
always an
Aspiring Bus Driver

 

 

 

 

 

The Gifts of Imperfection: The Dig Deep Button

“The dig –deep button is the secret level of pushing through when we are exhausted and overwhelmed.”     Brené Brown

We have all been there.

I term this the merciless invisible prod or whip that has no concern for my well being. 

I must keep going.....if I don’t complete everything as planned...I won’t feel good. 

I have over committed, overdone, over organized, over planned, and the result has been overwrought, overtired, over loyal, and overwhelmed. 

These are all signs of an overachiever. ‘I am an overachiever”...sounds impressive doesn’t it; a deceptively nice badge to wear.

Most the time I am not even aware I am wearing it....it’s much like being on a coach careening through life with a headless driver.

(can you believe I found a picture!)

Overachievers are also mindless victims.

I blame something.

My words are.....I have to, I have no other choice,...I need to.

The words “mediocre” or “Oh, well” make me shudder.

“I have pride” says the energizing whip

So I ask myself......Who’s tending me?

Whoa – now that slows me up.

Naah.....they need me.....I feel a surge of power sucking energy named importance combined with fear.

It is hard to drop the reins when one is on a mission....where would it leave me?  Unfinished....feeling guilty...feeling less than....feeling let down. 

If I remove the cloak of success....I fear I will be looked on as less than.  Worse still possibly blamed.

 

“I am supposed to be tending me”

Now that stops me in my tracks.

At this point as I am getting my wind....I reflect on all the times I have mindlessly misplaced my priorities.

I have abandoned myself

It is my own relentless drive that leaves me drained – the tender of my well being swept off...unnoticed......

left and lost in the dust.

Where do I feel perfectionism deviates from healthy striving and self improvement?

When it feels and is self-destructive. When it is controlling me and I am not controlling it.

Have I mastered perfectionism...no....I am aware though and 

I am getter better and better

 

 

I so hear the compassion and wisdom in Brené’s words when she feels overwhelmed.

“I didn’t force myself to start working or to do something productive.  Rather I prayerfully, intentionally, and thoughtfully did something restorative.”     Brené Brown

 

 

 

Gifts of Imperfection: Gathering

It’s like mushrooms popping up.

 

Friends, relatives fellow work mates, daughters.....women are noticing the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” and  are either wanting to join the online class or just read the book. 

 

I have been told the bookstores are sold out and have noted a heavy demand. 

My friend discovered fellow teachers are doing the course and they have started sharing amongst themselves.  Exposing our shame is daunting but there are those wading right into the thick of it and opening up. 

I received an excellent hard copy of an email sent to my friend from one of her fellow teachers doing the course.

It was a rather lengthy email but a couple thoughts stood out that I would like to share.

The first one was a suggested intention.

“I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE BY DEFAULT”

I like that...I am thinking it could do with a little “Louise Hay” polishing but the idea is excellent.

Most of us are now familiar with the fact over 90% of how we act and react comes from the subconscious.  Most the time like everyone else I am not aware of this, so setting the intention daily is an excellent suggestion.    

 As I mentioned in my post titled, Introduction, My Intention....I  now ask myself who is talking when I experience shame....that silent voice saying I am not enough in so many ways.  

The below quote in the email....just verified I am definitely on the right track.

Eckhart Tolle says “What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am.  Who am I then?  The one who sees that?.

An example of this just happened.

I am at a girlfriend’s home and listening to how her career is progressing.  She is now teaching her courses.

 I really am glad that she is finally starting to do what she has worked so long and hard for but I am aware there is a dark border wanting to close in. It is saying,   "She’s teaching in government recognized institutions and getting paid.”  "I’m not". 

As soon as I felt that less than feeling, I put out my STOP SIGN , and  quickly pushed it aside making a mental note to exam the thought more thoroughly later.  

The next morning I took my inventory.....yep it was Crappy Comparer .....thoughts like “how come I can’t”  “You don’t have a degree”  “You are not doing good enough”.
 

What did I do?

I envisioned kicking Crappy Comparer’s (sorry he got caught) ass ....

so hard it sent him right into the stratosphere.

(gave myself permission to get cheesy)

I then reminded myself to quit peering over the fence at my neighbor's yard but to appreciate what I am accomplishing and doing within my own yard.

and of course....I'm sharing my story.  

Ideas from others

Thank you to my friend who is so enjoying my emails she is forwarding them to her daughter.  That really is so encouraging.  I would love anyone who might get something from my blog to read it so please feel free to forward them on.

A reminder sent from another friend...."God does not make junk".....
as well she too now has been inspired to write...turns out her mom also encouraged her to write. I am hoping she pursues this.

 

 

The Gifts of Imperfection: I Am Enough

In Remembrance and Gratitude

Because...they are on my mind

Because.....I occasionally refer to them in my postings exhibiting the humanness we all experience and act out.  

Because.....I do respect them

Because.....I am grateful

It is this time one year ago, we knew that we had only days left with our mother.....she passed away surrounded by much love on November 10^th. 

 

She always encouraged me to write...even in her last years in a hospital bed....waving a writer’s magazine saying “Write Shirley, write”.  I always replied "I don't know what to write"....well "I am writing, Mom".   Nothing fancy...just everyday....."imperfections".

November 11^th

My Dad......was in the 2^nd wave in at Normandy

 

Photo and caption from the book, “The Seven Years War”  Barry Broadbent  (Dad with machine gun....he said it was a posed picture)

He gave up a lot.....also now passed over......

His words “She’s got to be go....no use to be cry”.

 

They were more than enough.

 

And so I come back to present day...actually I am over a week behind....I have given myself permission...to take the time this needs....and most of all enjoy my journey. 

 

While looking for something else, I ran across this quote I had highlighted in "The Gifts of Imperfection" Smile....I thought it a perfect follow up from my last post.  

"You'll be fine if you do what you do best - tell stories.  Keep it real. Keep it honest"

Prior to starting this blog....the words "tell your story" kept coming up.  I had  listened to a youtube of Lisa Nichols and I can still remember vividly the story she told and the lesson it delivered.  I started noticing readers from my other blog who previously thought my musings woo woo were changing and they were not even realizing it.   This sparked a bit of joy in my heart....my writings were connecting.

So when I read the above quote, that spurred me on to commit to telling my stories as I work my way through this book.  Not just the wonderful perfect know it all me stories but the not so nice get in the mud ones also. 

Speaking of not so nice and  so messy.....back to artwork. .

In addition to painting permission slips we had to write on our hands.....in felt pen no less..... the words ”I’m Imperfect and that is Enough”. 

Now my first reactions were as follows.....felt pen on my hand?..... will it come off easily?....I'll skip this.

Well...... I did promise myself I would see this through......some parts I can possibly leave out.  

My next issue was stating “I am imperfect”......I can see Louise Hay waving red flags frantically.

My friend was with me.  She apparently had no issues and was gung ho.      

My friend went  first.....

 

Then it was my turn..... .I was concentrating on getting everything in on the limited space...freehand writing and spacing appropriately has always been a problem for me.  

Just do it....quite planning....I told myself.

Well the first thing that happened  I ran out of space on “imperfect”. Of course I did...that was what I was putting out there. Little hindsight here.

Oh no! I panicked....

My friend (now turned sheriff) said, “Remember we are not allowed to erase”

Flustered,  I quickly finished up.......then I realized.......well take a look

 

(no we were not drinking....this is serious stuff...)

However this ended up making us really laugh
So the fun...continues on

 

Ideas shared

 

My daughter's artwork

Not only beautiful

She used her brains

Check out how she handled writing on her hand

 

 

Courage

Telling all one’s heart

The next project somehow my friend and I missed.  Three art projects in one night!...we are obviously going to have to step up our production.... since quality isn’t an issue...there is no excuse.  

So to catch up I opted to "create" while watching the Canucks game with my husband.  I missed most of the game .....and I'm sure he missed all my questions and opinions during the game.......but somehow it was all good.  

I had to place and then tape an envelope onto a page for this project.

 Into this envelope I was to place names of people that earned the right to hear my story.

 My husband looks over my shoulder and says,” it’s not straight”.  I move the envelope till he confirms it is straight. 

I tell him, “if it’s not straight you will get credit in my blog”.

He comes back with.....”I thought this was about being imperfect”.

Hmmmm.....I wonder if  I should take someone’s name out of the envelope

Naaahh....he’s too good a friend and he really has earned the right to hear my story.

Hey....did you notice my daughter's artwork is starting to rub off on me?

Anyway...so now you know

If you are receiving this email .....your name is in my envelope

Update

Thanks to my girlfriend for her encouragement and giving fair warning; she is giving herself permission to use us as guinea pigs to try out a new recipe.  I really like that type of permission.

 

 

 

 

 

Gifts of Imperfection: Permission

Since I started telling friends and family that I was going to take this course others joined with me and we communicate via email.  It brings much joy to me to say my sister and daughter are part of this group.  A dear friend and I get together once a week to do our artwork.

Our first project was to draw and paint permission slips.

On these permission slips we are to write what we need to give ourselves permission for to make our lives less scary.   

Just to give you a little background so you understand what I put on my “permission slip”.

I have been conditioned to be a “star”.  I have been given permission to be one, encouraged to be one, and been told I am one.  So club foot and all ....

 

I danced. Yes, that's correct..... I danced.

 

Now doesn’t that say “Princess” all over it.

I warmly remember...anyone my Dad could rope into watching me dance in our basement... he did.  It is interesting as I remember this, not only am I relating to how I felt......I can now identify how my Dad felt.

My brother still jokingly complains he was scarred for life; on a family holiday trip back to Manitoba; he wanted to bring his favourite truck.  He was told there was no room....and to top it off....he had to sit on my costumes all the way from B.C. to Glenboro, Manitoba where I  (the dancing star....sorry bro) would put on a show for the relatives.

This has been a brief explanation of  one part of my childhood conditioning.....I am sure that there are many others like myself whose childhood had this type of conditioning... just in other ways.

I am not complaining as it was pretty sweet at the time but the result has been an inner drive to need to be "outstanding" or a “star” in some aspects of my life.   

This has proved to be a huge stress  and at times I have unknowingly allowed it to develop into a  relentless driving force that consumed me.

Fortunately I am selective so it does not apply to all tasks....only those I am really interested in.

Water painting is not one of them ....unfortunate for you.

Now to my “Permission Slips”

 Originality is important to me.

On the video Brené is painting square permission slips. So predictable....so ordinary.    I look over and see my post it notes.

 

I’m doing hearts for permission slips I decide. (would seem level of originality not quite as important) Quite pleased with myself.....I very grandiosely offer my friend the use of my idea.

She declines and says she is doing flowers.  I think yeah that’s another good idea.

Deciding what permission to give myself when I am scared .......takes a bit of thought ....I am not in an introspective mode in that moment.

I come up with two .....good enough.

We finish our projects and ask...should we email them to my sister (did not know my daughter was doing it at this time)

.....nah...we agree we will wait.... we don’t want our fabulous ideas to influence her. 

 

 My Permission Slips

Friend's Permission Slip

(ughhh! picture rotates itself every time......not sure the reason....tried everything....sorry friend.....sorry readers for the cricked necks)

 

Turns out my Sister is finished and has emailed hers.  We open it up. 

 

(For privacy I have cropped and only the top is shown. )

My friend and I look at each other....start to laugh.....”we should have been stealing from her” my friend says.

When I asked for permission from my sister to show her superior work and briefly told her what I was going to say.  She replied....

Get Real!

So I told her she needs to give herself permission to “be a star”.  (I am her older Sister, so that gives me permission to boss)

Unfortunately for my friend and I.....We Were Real!.

Good thing I had previously read the next chapter on Cultivating Authenticity- Letting Go Of What Others Think

Ideas From Others

My Daughter's Intention

 

 

Hmmm.....Hmmmmmm

Seems she did not inherit her mother's artistic talents

till my next post

Keeping It Real and Showing Up

 

 

 

 

The Gifts of Imperfection: Introduction And My Intention

Yikes, I am on week 2 of the course, and here I am blogging on the Introduction... the ideas and writings are coming so fast....I am struggling to get an order .....overdoing by having to take pictures.....

 Mess and chaos....

Notes and papers all over

So I am having to trust myself that what I have to write here is important and most of all accept it does not have to be perfect.

I will confess on this writing I am pushing into my uncomfortable zone.  I am much more comfortable in the light hearted humor vein.

So here goes.....

 

 

Brené Brown after much research on shame came up with a list of the Do’s and Don’ts for people that seem to be living “Wholeheartedly”.  Living Wholeheartedly has benefits....a greater sense of contentment and happiness.

Am I for that.....Hell Yes!!!

I have taken a little artistic licence with the Do's and Don'ts.

Would seem simple at first glance, doesn't it.

 

 

So going back to my original confession on my blog titled “How It Began” I gave brief reference to my discomfort at reading the book. 

The book the “Gifts of Imperfection” is published by Hazelden. Hazelden Publishers puts out the literature for 12 step programs.

I entered the Alanon 12 step program in 2003.  I have 3 ring notebook journals

 

3 ring binder journals

 

and 12 step work stuffed in book cases

And desks

All over my home

I have facilitated entire step programs, been a support person to many, and successfully helped others through some dark drowning times.  

Some years back when  the book “The Gifts of Imperfection”  came up.....I  was dog paddling in some pretty turbulent waters, I had no sponsor, and  I didn’t think I needed one.

I have been drawn back to my 2008 journal over and over....since starting this blog.  I have wrestled with whether I should put in its contents....I keep putting it aside....but it keeps calling me back...so  I  have included it.

Within its covers are very personal thoughts revealing some of  my shortcomings.  If I was helping someone struggling I wouldn't have a problem sharing.  I feel a little more vulnerable sharing with some that may not be able to identify with my struggle.

This journal I keep  bookmarked at a my personal inventory I took back in 2008.  It reads as follows....

I spent years working to rid myself of this bad inventory and made little headway.  I had been willing and ready, very clear I did not want the suffering they entailed, written pages upon pages of asking God to remove these painful emotions, I wrote and affirmed pages and pages of  I am free of.......daily set intentions each morning......and shared...God knows I have deafened ears talking about my feelings.

I felt a failure yet for some reason I struggled on.  

 A few things since that time have created a shift in me, it happened well before I started this book....some amazing things are happening since I started this blog and book....daring to be vulnerable is one...it summons all my courage to write and publicly publish my inner most shortcomings.

One difference that seems to have helped me was naming my saboteurs. (see "How It Began)  Somehow instead of me owning it, being it and justifying feeling that way.....I see it as outside energy bodies with personalities trying to get at me.   Thus far I am pretty good at being vigilant at holding them at bay by observing my discomfort first and then asking who is at play.  If the time is not appropriate to go into deep thought I tuck it aside and deal with it later.   
This seems to work  best when I am in the "Do's side and observing .  Falling into the Don't side happens when I am not looking.

So I have shared a part of what works for me to date.   

My Plan

To work within the framework Oprah and Brené are providing.

To personalize and make it mine

To include personal stories that relate

To utilize tools I know work

To share my story complete with my vulnerabilities

Have fun

Intention

This is the proposed Course Intention.

 

 

For myself,  I changed it to something I can relate more to. I may it change back later to the proposed one but for now I understand my intention.  

 

To finish off I'd like to share a few ideas and tips I have received in responses

- one can go to the Michael's website or download the App and they often have a 40%  off coupon

- Opus has a fabulous selection of art supplies

-now I really like this one....watching Ted talks as a family

- and a great best friend statement  "Oh Well!"

  

If you are still with me.....thanks my perfectly imperfect friends.