Leaning Into Discomfort or One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I had just finished writing a post on the different vices one can use in order to numb out and not feel our feelings.  

Brene's suggestion is to "lean into the discomfort" and to "know I will be okay. 

I felt dissatisfied with my post.

I decided to leave it for a bit.....I told my hubby -I feel the post is too preachy and text book.

My next decision was to make a coffee.  I asked my husband if he would like one.
He joked with me about coffee adding to his high blood pressure.
We both opted to indulge.

What I unknowing did not realize was I was using the coffee to numb out my feelings of dissatisfaction. 

See how easy it is to miss?  And here I had just spent an hour writing about the use of an unhealthy habit to numb our feelings.

Anyway at that minute the whole message flew right over my head.

So what would be the reason coffee would be deemed unhealthy?  For me the acidity level sometimes bothers my stomach.

In my writer's fog I only put in half the amount of water (of course I would....my husband put it out there when he joked about it raising his heart rate.  .....and what would guarantee an increase in heart rate?......a extra strong cup of coffee?)

I realized my mistake after I poured a cup of coffee.  This thick black substance would guarantee havoc for both of us.   I now needed to return the coffee back into the pot and add the additional water to ensure the proper strength.

I then discover the coffee pot lid is stuck solid!!  Of course it is....Universe is trying to tell me/us something. 

I really don't care.....I try all sorts of different methods to get the lid off...none work so finally I ask hubby for assistance.  Starts off quite congenial .....until the lid remains stubbornly stuck and then comes apart!  (Universe trying to give hubby a message?)

Thought this would be a good moment to share my new wisdom..."lean into the discomfort, dear".

I was hoping to avoid raised blood pressure.

Flew right over his head.....pliers and the F word dislodged the lid.

As I am typing this out....I just realized he did lean into the discomfort.
His blood pressure did go up (Universe answered anyways)

Ahh...the Gifts Of Imperfection

Now I feel satisfied with this writing.  (scrapped the other posting)

You know I really don't like the phrase "Lean Into Your Discomfort".  There is nothing compelling about it.
I found this picture...I rather like it's message better. 

                                                                         photo credit: peakofmind.com
What do you think?

While we are on the subject of leaning into growth.  The artwork project was to create a collage of "Wisdom Comforts".  Now I really like that term. 

For those of you reading this for the first time and wondering what exactly this is about.   I took the Brene' Brown's online course that Oprah offered, and decided to blog my journey. 

 

Some Of My Unhealthy Habits

Today is Mothers' Day 2015

(I am adding to an old posting I hope the reason will be clear after you read to the very end)

 

This will be the 3rd Mother's Day without the physical presence of my mom.

this morning a trivial oversight happened

which led me to an impulse...to rectify

 

I opened a drawer...storage drawer actually

there was a picture of my Mom.

 

It had been a full glorious morning with wonderful tributes and gifts with still more to come.

I had not thought of Mom

 

This picture immediately jolted me and reminded me of Mom's sudden showing up last year.

(I blogged about it last year.....have included at the end of this post)

 

 

  

An impulse/prompt has made me take the time to put up a post today.

Smile ....I believe I have covered two oversights.

 

Mom always wanted me to write

I always wanted my writing to have purpose

 

For those of you who do not have your Mother in physical presence anymore

I hope like myself for you there was some

sense of Presence

in whatever form that is.

 

Thanks for the prompt Mom

 

and hello to Dad.

 

 

_________________________________________________

 

Last Years Posting

OMG!!!....In looking at the preview....I just realized last years posting was on May 10th ....it is May 10th today!  (date does not show in drafting area)

anyway please read on to see how Mom and Dad made their appearance last year.

For shorter version scroll down to the OMG...you will see it.

 

 

 

 

 

So what unhealthy habits do I do to try and get out of uncomfortable or painful emotions? 

Brene' refers to this as numbing.

 

Well old habits die hard

yee gads!#....(Louise Hay waving red flag...sigh...again)

Let me reword that

 

I am amazingly resilient

no
well maybe
I'm on the right track just

not that good at staying there 

 

So far I have found trying to be vigilant 

by putting up a roadblock to unwanted thoughts
I have identified

 

will work as long as I stay conscious
But truthfully

My mind will focus on something else and on its own accord
 it loops back before I even realize it!

Photo: tf3dm.com

"Mindfulness requires that we not "over-identify" with thoughts and feelings,
so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity"
                                     Brene' Brown

 I would be back in the pit of negativity
not only thinking about it
but making it my identity.
 

 

So when I do fall into that hole

what unhealthy methods do  I indulge in 

 

 



Any of you identify?
____________________________________________


I have come to realize when I am looking for a geographic move
what I am seeking outwardly
my soul is seeking inwardly

This next one
this I find a real gemstone

Especially when my mind is racing on the hamster wheel

"Making meaning is a fundamental brain addiction with a pesky non-discerning quality to it that makes it tough to know when it is serving you and when it isn't".
                                                           Kevin Fleming PHD 

I find most the time my mind racing and analyzing is definitely not serving me and that is probably one of the biggest understatements I have made on the blog.

Quieting my racing mind and refocusing gives me relief and quite often brings me fresh uplifting insights

Photo http://sharonoday.com/

___________________________________

OMG!!!!

At the end of the post

Just for the heck of it
As I thought it might add to my post
I googled images of Louise Hay waving red flag
what are the chances right?


What A Surprise!!!

My Mother!

Now I am saying "What the Heck?"

Mother's Day came to mind




Given tomorrow is Mother's Day
I accept this gift of her
Hello

Maybe my coffee is too strong but this got my heart beating

and just as I was about to close the google window
my eye was caught by another picture
it was
barely discernible and on the outer edge of the screen
in its gray tones

My Dad
also giving a little wave


(seems wave and waving was the key word that brought up these photos that I had posted earlier)

Coincidence?

All I can say is I could not have orchestrated all of this
and I am surprised the change of path this post took.

I went back and re-googled
just to see if it would bring up the same pictures
(doubting Thomas at work here)
Yep ...same pictures

____________________________________

Next morning
wanted to include the intuition message
that was beside Mom before publishing this post
Regoogled

The pictures had moved!!

Shut The Front Door!!!!
Publishing now.



Gift of Revealing Shame - Part Two

In the last post I discussed the benefits of bringing shame out in the open.

This post deals with who we should choose to share our feelings with.

For continuity I will continue with my notes from “Women Who Run With Wolves”.

“She can reveal her secret or secrets to one trustworthy human being. “

“I emphasize trustworthy because this is as important as hiring a doctor or carpenter to do surgery.”  

What does trustworthy entail?

“a person who can listen with a full heart and can wince, shiver and feel a ray of pain across his or her own heart and not collapse.”

 

The following is a quote of Brene' Brown's

“When we’re looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend, and, most of all we need someone who embraces us for our strengths and struggles.”

“We need to honor our struggle by sharing it with someone who has earned the right to hear it.”

 The greatest gift we can give ourselves.



 

Photo from: blog4critique.blogspot.com 

Identify shame

tell someone

Years back I did a self help exercise and wrote out my past humiliations, hurts and less than proud of behaviours from my past. 
   
I think one of my most relieving and at the same time enriching experiencing was sharing my shame and finding out there were others out there that felt the same as I did.  I was not alone.....and I was normal.


I realize this post sounds more like a lesson and I do apologize....I promise back to my story in the upcoming posts.

The Gift Of Revealing Shame

Yikes, I am off track with the course ...but a situation has come up...and when I went to go to my next assignment, I found some notes I had taken at one of Brene’s Question and Answer sessions....these I feel need to be brought to light now.

It is a perfect extension of my earlier post, Owning Our Part.

So I am starting by googling  the definition of shame.

Shame

1.    a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

                                                                                                                                                                photo: Arwen Abendstern on flickr

I really want to change the word, “consciousness” to ‘perception”.

The notes I had made were from one of Brene’s Question and Answer sessions.  I have simplified it into two statements.

“Shame has to make sure we are alone”.

                                                                                                         Image credit:www.wattpad.com

“Talking about it dissolves it.”

 

                                                                                                                                        Image credit: www.confortlife.ca

Quoting from the book, The Gifts of Imperfection.....

“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story.  It hates having words wrapped around it-it can’t survive being shared.  Shame loves secrecy.  The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story.  When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.”

 

                                                                                                                 photo: waleedbarkasiyeh.wordpress.com

So I guess by now we know what we have to do to overcome shame.

To drive home further the seriousness of shame -I am going to insert part of my notes I wrote to share at a book club meeting.  The book was “Women Who Run With Wolves” and the author was Clarissa Pinkola Estes a post trauma specialist and Jungian psychoanalyst.

My notes are as follows.....    

The 12 step program is a marriage of the Lord’s Prayer and Carl Jung’s therapy.  As Clarissa states she is a Jungian therapist.  Chapter 13 closely resembles part of Step Four  of the 12 step program, which is taking moral inventory,  but mainly step five.....

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human

being the exact nature of our

Wrongs

Addressing shame is part of taking inventory.  Admitting it to another person is the next of 5 more steps to complete the process.

Why do we want to take inventory???? well sometimes there are some rotten aspects that are contaminating the well being of the whole.

 

 

 

I want to state emphatically this works and has had a healing effect on millions.

I am mentioning both the 12 step program and what Clarissa Pinkola Estes has to say to reinforce what Brene Brown is stating with regards to the destructiveness of shame.

Clarrisa opens her chapter with the subtitle “Secrets as Slayers”

Other quotes that come to mind immediately for me are:

“We are only as sick as our secrets”

“The truth shall set you free”

As the author notes it is not all secrets she is talking about, she is specifying the secrets of shame.

As some of you or probably all of you know shame is the lowest vibration of energy we experience.

So when the author states it creates a dead zone...that should not be surprising.

So why in the world do we allow shame – because we are afraid.

The author breaks it down.

“Whether she (woman)

-          has been threatened by someone more powerful than she,

-          she fears disenfranchisement, being considered an undesirable person,

-           disruption of relationships that are important to her, and

-          sometimes even physical harm if she reveals her secret.”

Clarissa refers to the secrets of shame as likened to a bloody knife. 

 

 



(this photo  reminds me of how easily and deceptively we swallow our shame thinking that is the most pleasurable way)

Clarissa speaks to the peril of leaving the bloody knife buried inside us.

“Where there is a shaming secret, there is always a dead zone in the woman’s psyche, a place that does not feel or respond properly to her own continuing emotional life events or the emotional life events of others.”

To put some meat on these bones of these last two quotes.......one could imagine the disconnect and angst a woman who is a closet lesbian would be experiencing daily in her life.  There would be a destructive battle going on inside by feeling and being one way and having to act another.  This is just one example of endless secrets of shame women suffer from.

There are others more common.......shame of not having a perfect body, shame of our past, shame of failures, shame of our children, shame of our mistakes, shame of our status, shame of being made fun of or rejected.
 

If I might add something here of my own personal understanding.....shame comes in and takes residence, and it is not until we take our inventory and identify it and understand its destructive force that we would choose to toss it out.

I certainly had no idea till I had to put pen to paper and wrote it out.

 

 

The unfortunate part is most people like myself only go to this trouble when they are in enough pain and good fortune has brought them to a place where this is dealt with.  

Shame is silent and undetectable until our attention is brought to it.  It usually runs at a low grade not fulfilled feeling.

It takes much courage to address it

So what to do after you have identified it?

Well this is definitely not one the most popular activities....on the fun meter it rates right up there with going to the dentist and having a tooth pulled.

So what does the shame bearer have to do to rid herself of shame. She has to tell someone.

There’s more!

She has to.

“not depreciate the matter”

“tell it so others are moved by it”

In other words express the full emotion of her shame.

Not for the faint of heart as one is opening up standing naked and vulnerable.

What did expressing my shames to someone do for me...

I felt empowered....I had turned around and grabbed shame by the throat and flung it right out on the table for all to see.

Was I nervous....yes.....but riding right in front of that and directing the way was determination....

How did it feel afterwards?

I have never walked on hot coals but I would suspect it feels  similar....one has successfully conquered and accomplished.

Secondly and most importantly ....the shame shriveled....I felt normal.......yes I had made mistakes, yes I had acted against my values......

The world didn't stop or change with my revelations.....

I had vomited out those knives and true healing began.


If you read my post ....Owning Our Part 

 Equally important in this release is the listener.

In my next post....I will be elaborating on this.

For now sending out wishes for well-being in the remembrance that we are all gloriously imperfect or wonderfully human.

Perfectionism - Handle All Hearts With Care

 

 

Including our own

 

 



Compassionate Whispers

We were given an exercise to write down our compassionate whispers to ourselves....meaning kind words we tell ourselves.

Since the topic was perfectionism, I immediately projected back to competition days.

 

this was my painful cry because I used to equate it to self worth

My awareness has helped me

Vigilance is still crucial

 

Turns out even the greatest

have this imperfection to deal with

 

Oprah facing a crisis with her network

found herself repeating a prayer

"In God I move and breathe and have my being"

she then reminded herself

"this isn't who you are and don't get that confused"

 

(Huffington Post: April 8, 2012, Marianne Schnall)

 

 

 

 

So our exercise was to do up compassionate whispers for ourselves

 

So I started jotting down whatever jumped into my head

it started more like a voice

then a whisper

then an insight

then a reminder that makes me smile

 

Now I am laughing as I put the voice up

If anyone would like a lesson in humility and strengthening their courage and vulnerabilities

try posting something fallible about yourself. 

So much easier putting up the polished "I have got it all together answer"

 

 

so here goes

The Voice In Response To I'm Not Winning

 

( background picture: http://compassionangelcardreading.com/)

 

Now I am still laughing 

I can hear my loving sister

 

"Oh Brother, I'll pray for you"

(words I have heard throughout my life during those eye brow raising moments)

 

No need  this time, Sis

 

for those asking what is the matter with this

I'll pray

 

for those of you who cannot relate to this

Be Thankful

 

for those laughing

Thank You

 

next is

 

The Compassionate Whisper 

Well you can see things were improving

 

 

and then came an insight

 

 

 

 

 and finally

a reminder that makes me smile

courtesy of Louise Hay training

 

 

 

What is your compassionate whisper today?

 

 

 

 

What Makes You Smile

So when asked the question; What Makes My Light Shine?"

I thought about the obvious, seeing someone's face light up, a hug with an "I love you"...spontaneous affection, a kiss, an arm around me........

Upon deeper reflection, I realized that most of this was dependent on someone outside myself.
Not to say that there is anything the matter with this......for myself, and I dare to say, most of these are the universal elixir of well being.

So I asked myself, "What makes my light shine that is independent of my environment....if that is entirely possible.....

My answer......

What makes your light shine?

Authenticity Mantra

What inspires me?

"You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs."
                                                                                                  The Gifts of Imperfection

Well that would pretty well describes the intent of my blog....and yes that inspires me.



To finish up the chapter on "Letting Go of Others Approval". 

Our project was to do up an authenticity mantra.

I share with you Brene's

Because I wished to remember the following statement of Brene's...I put it into a little artwork for myself.

 

Now to my Authenticity Mantra
I rather liked these words of Brene's and I don't think I can improve on them.

Letting Go Of What Others Think - Mantras

(Brene's words....Shirley's artwork)

I rather like Brene's Mantra... at first glance.

I could relate to it.
 
That is till I read her interpretation and discovered it didn't mean what I first thought .....I share with you Brene's interpretation first..... as what she offers in her story is valuable and make strike a chord.

"Saying this little mantra helps me remember not to get small so other people are comfortable and not to throw up my armor as a way to protect myself."

I still like the mantra....I can relate....but if something else came to my mind in looking at those words....what it means to me is I have a different issue that I am relating to and so I am going to follow with that in my post.....



 "Don't Puff Up".

An image of a bird puffing up trying to  impress comes to mind.  This led me to think about times I have felt intimidated by a wealthy person for example and I want to pretend I am more than I am.


Trying to impress or prove myself is definitely one of my weaknesses not so much in the having of nice things because I believe I deserve them and/or I am grateful for them but in trying to be somebody I am not.

I googled images for animals trying to impress....it brought smiles and even a laugh.
 

www.furrytalk.com   

 
djurpadjur.blogspot.com

myotherblogisyourmom.blogspot.com 

What I have just realized is the above scenarios actually depict shrinking up!
Isn't that what I am doing?  Trying to impress, stand out or fit in...it is all saying "I am not enough".

I still love both these characters, though

Gifts of Imperfection: Authenticity: Owning Our Part

In Brene's book she gives references to what she feels constitutes a good friend. 

A very close and dear "sister" of mine recently gave me a loving reminder of what she needed from me as a dear friend/sister.  

I have included the incident mainly because I value it as good advise and there was a gift given to me in my imperfection.

Secondly, I feel "owning our part" is a valuable part of being truly Authentic.

One of the scariest lessons I had to go through in the 12 step Alanon program was looking at a problem situation and owning what part of it is mine....even if the other person does not own their part. 

By owning...I mean admitting, apologizing and either making restitution or amend my ways.  

This was so hard to do because at the time I felt there had been injustices on the other persons’ part and I really rallied against doing this .....it felt so wrong.

....admitting my wrong...seemed to be adding to the arsenal of the offender. 

It took a lot of courage and faith in the program to make myself vulnerable and to admit my wrong doing.....now what is interesting is after doing it, I felt stronger.  Something grew inside me....perhaps self respect, character development, stronger values.....one thing is for sure....when I was focused only on my behaviour and had no expectations from the other person......I experienced growth and self contribution.  

You see I was doing it for me....

As the A.A. saying goes, “Principles above personalities”.  

To me this means tending and keeping my ground clean and sacred. 

(In saying this... program also dictates prudence is advised.....will admitting a wrong hurt or compromise someone.)  

I have developed a saying....” when the roadway is strewn with garbage figure out what is mine,  separate it and deal only with what is mine.”  

 

(thanks to my neighbors for this photo opportunity)
 

Which leads me into the incident that happened as of late....in this situation it was all my garbage..... I was very self importantly managing someone else’s business instead managing my own.  

My very nature is a teacher.  As well one of my strongest strengths is “restorative”.

However I have come to realize that using these qualities does not  always make a good friend.....especially when I use my strengths indiscriminately.

 

 

  

The following email was sent to me by my dear friend/sister.  She was taking the Courage to speak from her heart. Because I cannot write any better what she was conveying I have been granted permission to post it just as she wrote it.

I will say momentarily my Ego flashed and wanted to defend but when I read her email my now experienced heart knew and accepted.

The email is as follows:

OK teacher :)

I have to ask you - I'm not sure if this is one of my 'issues' - but when I 'share' with you - you seem to respond with feeling it is a 'teachable moment'.  When I 'share' something positive, I am expressing my inner joy and like to feel that by expressing it to safe people  When I 'share' something negative- sometimes I am just wanting to 'vent' and sometimes I am looking for advice (which becomes a teachable moment). 

I have learned to express during the 'negative' sharing when I want to just vent. So using a 'negative' event I would expect it to become a teachable moment unless I have mentioned beforehand that I need to 'vent'.  I know not everyone says the 'I need to vent' .

But with positive  'joy' sharing - it can rob the moment of the joy when the response is presented back as a teachable moment.

 

Does that make any sense?  The 'teacher' in you seems to be always at the forefront ;)

It is a great strength - but for everyone characteristics have a strength with which to use them....and used in another way- they become a weakness or detriment.

Spoken with love in my heart

 

I own this.  In fact I realize I have done it a lot of other times to other friends and family. 
 

To those....I apologize for all those times......

More than that.....I know practicing a better way is what is required.

. 

 This I endeavor to do.  I am investing in myself and growing.

Now perhaps some of you reading this are uncomfortable with my telling of this account and you feel I am making myself too vulnerable.

Not so.....first off there is a gift in my seeing and admitting my imperfections.

Secondly.....hanging my "humanness" out for all to see.....makes me feel free....I don't have to be the know it all......I just know how far I have come......I have gentle acceptance and a sense of humor about my "humanness" ....I am growing....and as long as I am growing....I am thriving.

The reason I have written of this account....
- I believe there is wisdom in it
- Owning my story and telling it...hopefully has touched and/or helped someone reading this.

And thus I am contributing.....
I have made an imperfection...into a gift. 

Now that makes me feel good.

 “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded.  It’s a relationship between equals”.   Brené Brown 

 

 

 

Thanks to my True Friend for her courage.

 

 

 

A reminder to myself

 

 

 

Thanks all for allowing me to share my story with you.